WARNING: this is truly what I am deeming a puke post. As in bitch fest. Lame-o portion of my existence. If you don't want any of that, tune in later when I'm all bright and cheery again.
Why? Why ask why? Why not? Because I over analyze things. This leads to driving myself crazy. Although, it does also lead to enlightenment. Philosophers questioned everything. Why shouldn't I? That's how we know most of what we know today. (how do we know we really know something? there's one for the noodle) Not everything came to us in a dream like some of Einstein's et al's smarts. Here's a question Plato and Aristotle and Kant and Nietzsche and Descartes and Locke and Sartre didn't ask: Why does Jennifer Eve Morey give so much of herself?
Why do I have a hard time saying no? In years past it was more of an issue because I did not give enough TO myself. It made sense that the balance was off. These days though, I am taking very good care of me, myself and I. I've truly learned how important self care is. It is part of my life more now than ever. So how do I still give too much? And what is too much?
Perhaps it is a matter of the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I give because I want to receive. The problem is I feel I've not got as much of the 'what goes around comes around' as I would like. Or have I...? Almost like I need some justification for being generous with my time and energy. Money is not what I'm looking for either. I'm getting compensated monetarily for many of my efforts.
Perhaps I am just caught under a little rain cloud at the moment. (PMS is that you?) I do feel that Karma is no bitch. She has done me well as a matter of fact. I've stumbled across many an instance that is perhaps an 'answer' to my selflessness.
Hmmmmm. Might I be spiraling down into the lack of a badass counterpart again? Oh geeze. Here we go. I've got so much to give, but I'd rather have one main recipient to focus some of my overflowing benevolence for a while. That being said, they must deserve my awesomeness. And give back as much if not more damn it! Too many times. Too many times I have been blind. Or in denial, whatever you want to call it. I try to make someone worthy, when in reality they are not. Mind you, at this point I'm writing of a partner, not a person I come in contact with in daily life.
I really just need to simmer down. Seriously. I haven't even been back in PA for 4 months. In general, life is great. I have tip top health, shelter, uber good food, honorable professions, awesome friends, nearby family, a ticket to all 3 of Phish's reunion shows. What more can I ask for at the moment? Ok, let's not go there. Oh, wait. Way too late. I'm not going to type the L word. In a whiny little kid voice "but when is it my turn?" I've been told if you take care of yourself first, the rest takes care of itself. Well, exactly how long is that time frame? Ok, ok. I'm done. For now. Please excuse my rant(s) on this subject. All of this is what I want to spew when the many a people have asked "why don't you have a boyfriend?" Instead, what I say is: Good question! I don't freaking know! Maybe I'm destined to be a gypsy. Travel the world. A nun? Nah.
Apparently there is something else that needs to be done first. Hey, uh, Universe? Think I could get a little help here? Thanks for everything else in the meantime. Don't mean to be a pest or anything buuuuuuuut...... I'm thinking 4 years is long enough.
Well that sure spiraled into the void. Sorry folks. Gotta get it out.